It takes a lot to stay here

It takes a lot to stay here, in a place of peace and faithfulness. You see my spirit-joyful and free. A kind of wild you have never seen. You might be misguided to believe that life must have been a little bit easier for me. However, I have been both the victim and the perpetrator. I have seen the depths at which our souls can get buried from the light.

It would be easy to wake up each day callous, formed by all the sorrow and disappointment. I could look at the hopefulness in my daughter’s eye and think- “Honey, you have no idea all the shit you’re gonna get in this world.” It was habitual to keep ripping those wounds open. To wake up each day and only focus on all of the ways I have hurt myself and the world around me.

Waking up, getting moving with hope for a better day is a challenge. Wearing joy as my armor sometimes feels like a grueling work out in the pouring rain. I have been in a place of anger at those who are smiling and dreaming. A place where hope does not reside; woken up each day only to see the terribleness of the world. Understanding the deep clutching pain of time passing; being out of control.

I make this testament with hope that I can remain here with you at a place of peace, joy, gratitude and hope for the future. It is from our weakest moments we form the strength to forgive and accept. To find the joy in each day; a dog’s tail wagging, a child’s laugh, the birds singing and the warm sun shining.

These are only the beginning of possibilities. You can see so much more beauty with a twinkle in your eye. It is time to say goodbye to all the heartbreaks. We are survivors. On a journey to thrive, living in the moment.

Allow me to re-introduce myself

Do you know that feeling when something happens and in the middle of your response, you pause and in your head think- “who have I become?” That very thought, “this isn’t me,” is what has led me here. I started having that thought way too often. My thoughts even became more hostile to myself in the moment, when I was to afraid to allow myself to shine, my thoughts would scream at me, “SAY SOMETHING!"

I had been working the corporate job for 10 years, I mastered it. I rose through the ranks and became a leader. I really was the boss lady and single mother you see in the movies. I was able to support my children on my own, with no help and we had all we needed, at least all that money could buy. I had a lot of responsibility inside and outside of work, but as a mother I felt like I was failing the most. Working long hours and dealing with stressful situations day in and day out turned me into a shell of myself. I was on edge, I was not emotionally available to my two pre-teen daughters, who needed me to be there for them.

When I was a new mother, I had all these hopes and dreams of the type of mother I would be. We would eat fresh food, play fun games and make art. All of those things are not easy to do when you are consumed by work and survival and that is essentially how I got lost.

This story however, is about finding myself again. My creativity presents differently than most of the people I look up to. I forgot that I was creative, that I had an art of my own to give to the world. It started slowly, I found a journal, a very basic journal with a ton a of blank space. I decided to start writing again. Each day I would force myself to write. Some days I felt creative and the words and pictures flowed easily. Other days, not so much, but I was committed.

I would share a picture or a poem on Snapchat and realized that people connected to the words I put down. Not everyone, and that is okay, but my type of people responded. That was all I needed. Yes, my creations are for me, but they help me connect with others too. That is why I created Bountiful Mamas. I realized that no one is going to make the space for me, I have to put myself out there. I want there to be a space for everyone to share their creativity and fellowship with like minded mothers and daughters everywhere.

I am so glad you are here!